Tuesday, February 28, 2012

like i said. the difference between good and evil is hope.
i lost so much muscle mass that yesterday i went to the gym for the first time since the "accident" and i could hardly hit 3s. plus i was short of breath. i'm gonna have to get used to these lungs and start building my muscle back up. If i had $3000 i would pay a professional trainer to help me to where i was lifting back up to 205 again. but even further than that. it's gonna take a long time if i don't have a plan. i need a plan, i need help. but i have limited Power

The difference between a Dick and a True Dick

based on people's reactions, i'm confused as to whether i'm a true dick or a nice person (weak). see, nice people everyone likes but they have nothing to offer the conversation. true dicks are different than regular dicks because regular dicks have some likeability whereas true dicks piss everybody off. true dicks are people like Vincent Van Gogh, ... .... i can't think of any others. true dicks might not have any friends but they keep living their life as if it were normal. oh yes! Hitler was a true dick as well. regular dicks think they're so smug. they like to think they are true dicks, but they're not. if they have friends they are not true dicks. only a true dick would sacrifice friendship for his status (consciously or subconsciously, no difference).

Monday, February 27, 2012

now i gotta put all this shit back together

Jesus said, 'Accept Everyone.'

why do Christians think being gay is an "abomination"...? God is not a person. God never said that. Jesus never said that either. I think SOME PEOPLE like to HATE. Then the question is, "Why do you want to go to war with people you are threatened by?" You say you have nothing to fear and that you are doing God's work. Well if you are not afraid of them, why are you so adamant about their destruction? Do you think they will corrupt your mind? If you do, your mind has already been 'corrupted' because only a corrupt mind would know what corrupt feels like. What am I saying...? ... I don't know, God never said that because God isn't human. You are, and you are not living as Jesus lived. Jesus said, 'Accept Everyone.' What don't you get about that...? You are so afraid that you will be 'corrupted' just like 'everybody else'. well let me tell you, even if everybody else became 'corrupted' you still have the choice to be 'uncorrupted' all by yourself if you wanted to, NOBODY will stop you. Now I've gotten to your basic, primal fear. You should understand now why you cannot stand sinners. It's because part of you is a sinner as well. So you should accept yourself for that. Then you'll be able to accept 'everyone else.'

Just a thought on One God over all Religions, The Master Idea

The Muslims had The Mount before the Jews. Also I read somewhere, correct me if I am wrong, but Muslims occupied the territory of Israel and Palestine before Israel ever was a political idea. It is not that surprising to me to know that there are Jewish Fundamentalists out there, just like there are Islamic Fundamentalists. What is disturbing is that they both do irrational things in the name of 'God', The God that I keep telling everybody that is not intelligent, non-personifiable, physical, The Master Idea that is and exists in the NOW. The Master Idea == Muslim God == Christian God == Jewish God == Atheist's Science.

Illumination is excluded, but could be included (pretty much any religion could be included), because they believe that people are God, when in fact, people are part of the physical God that exists in the NOW. We are part of it, The Master Idea broadcasts it's Ideas through matter. It's all around us.

this note is a fragment. gotta go do something....

Sunday, February 26, 2012

yay. laptop. damn, i gotta go to bed at 9.
why did they try to stop me in the first place. what did they think they were achieving...? what can i, a nobody, achieve by making a program and putting it online...? maybe they thought it was important. who knows, who cares...? it's my shit, i'm the only one who should care about it. i mean, what's so important about this program that they don't want me to make it. it's just a program, not like its revolutionary or anything. o well. now i get to finish it

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Thursday, February 23, 2012

no matter what book you read thatr is biased against a president, there is always one person that will stand up for that president. and when there are one there are two
i lost so much weight after the "accident" that i'll have to go from a 32 to a 30 or 31.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I'd like to read a book about how Jesus was a fraud. Just to hear a different view point. Any books out there...?

Jesus spoke in parables to the masses but metaphors to his disciples.

Jesus spoke in parables to the masses but metaphors to his disciples. Jesus knew, that the Master Idea could not be explained to them at that time. How could they know? They didn't have the technology...
"Some people are not meant to be understood."

A sad theme, but only sad if you let it be.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


When it comes down to it, it doesn't matter whether what you do is a sin or not as much as what you do is the Right thing to do. Jesus said 'accept everybody'. That might as well be his slogan. Therefore, abortion should not be viewed as whether it is a sin or not, but whether it is the Right thing to do. In which many cases, it can be argued that it is. -my views

A Thought about James 4:13, for Atheists and Believers

Although I do not read in a most literal sense and have an unorthodox view of God, the Bible has some lessons in it that can be universally ethical, and ultimately make common sense, no matter what religious or secular background you come from...

James 4:13-17
Boasting About Tomorrow

13 Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”—14 yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. 15 Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” 16 As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. 17 So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

What I got from this:

It is true, that often we, the majority of the United States, including Wall Street and everyone associated with it, bet on making a profit or doing something that we will gain some sort of profit from, whether it be emotionally, physically, or financially. For myself, I told myself that I would complete an online program by the 29th of February. But what I didn't know, is that my laptop would malfunction, preventing me from finishing it up to this point. We all make deadlines, I don't think it is wrong to make deadlines, but I think the lesson that James is trying to teach us is that our lives are like the laptop. How long we last or how long our components last is not determined by us but by our Manufacturer. We can believe our Manufacturer to be God, or we can believe our Manufacturer to be Science, or a mixture of both. Regardless, we don't know when one of our parts will malfunction, therefore, boasting is sort of fallacious in that it is based on an unknown factor, a presumed factor. Yet instead, when we have strengths and when we accomplish something, we should be humble that we had the time on earth to accomplish it.

James says that our lives are like a "mist" that appears for a short time then "vanishes". It is true, the human life is very short compared to what has occurred before us. I think the moral of this is that we should try to focus on the greater meaning of life and not the things that are trivial in the end. Because when it comes down to it, it will be the meaningful things, the things that give us purpose, that make life worth living, however long it is.

Monday, February 20, 2012

i think i'm done with that for a while. make it months.
people scare me.

What Is Evil...?

I think the difference between Evil and Good lays in Hope. If there is NO hope, if one refuses to have hope for a better self, then the only choice he has is Evil (But then again, the Body which includes the Mind can physically give up Hope, so it may not be entirely someone's fault. But who's to say there was a struggle...? This brings up two questions: whether someone can be born Evil and whether Evil is physical). It is only Hope that distinguishes good from evil because an evil man with hope will do good things.
my laptop was delivered today, so hopefully I won't have to worry about using Library computers ever again...!
I've been given a gift from the doctor that only lasts 5 hours long. This is why it is so important for me to not get interrupted! I can't stipulate the drasticness of that any more. It's annoying, it gets on my nerves. If somebody stops me right in the middle of an Idea, I might lose the whole Idea, that could be something great! It's a waste of medication that I paid for. I want every minute of those 5 hours. I'm not going to be here forever. Give me 5 hours and do not mess with me!

Everything you do, you do because you want to do it. And if you didn't want to do it, you wouldn't.

"Everything you do, you do because you want to do it. And if you didn't want to do it, you wouldn't."

Is there an exception to this rule...?

What happens if someone points a gun at your head and tells you that if you don't give them your Power they will blow your head to smithereens? If you didn't want to do it, you wouldn't. And you would be dead. But you do. So you give that person your Power.

I don't see any varying degrees on this one. A person either wants to do something, or they don't. It's as simple as that. There are only two choices: Want and Do Not Want, in either case a person acts accordingly.

I think it is impossible to only have one, singular, choice. There always has to be two. Unless we get into the intelligence factor which basically means that the higher the intelligence a living being has, the more choices that being has.

Can we say that an Amoeba 'wants' to ingest something smaller than it....? Is 'want' even an option at this level...? If the Amoeba is programmed to be that way, to ingest whatever the hell it wants, then how is there a choice...? Ah, but see, 'want' does not necessarily mean that the being is conscious of his actions. So a being can do something because it Wants to do something, even if it is programmed to do it. On a higher level, humans may not be conscious of why we do things, but simply we do them because we Want to do them. And if we didn't we wouldn't.

Your Heart is flawed

"Often times we cannot discern between what we want to do and what we should do. Our vision is clouded, but only our heart will be the light that guides us to the right choice."

But here is an argument against that theme:

"Like a compass, our hearts can lead us to great places, and also to very dark ones as well."

It doesn't matter what we should do, it doesn't matter what we want to do, as long as what we do is the Right thing to do.

Here's a one-liner ethical quote that should be a theme. I got the inspiration off of watching a morning show today. These quotes were created by me. thanks if you reuse them but I'm planning on making a script so if you do reuse them make sure to credit me (XJ).

"Often times we cannot discern between what we want to do and what we should do. Our vision is clouded, but only our (heart or mind) will be the light that guides us to the right choice."

"So you are contractually obligated to kill Jews (Muslims, Christians, etc.). Should you do it? Do you want to do it? But what is the Right thing to do?"

"Duty and Desire are inessential details compared to the ultimate motive: Ethicacy."
i'm not going to write this paper. i'm not in the mood NOW. thanks alot for distracting me. i've could've written something groundbreaking. the extraordinary little intricacies of life will never be seen, because the bigger, dumber, stupid parts take their place. How many have we blocked from coming to fruition thus far? How many have we smothered out by the by the demands of the agenda upheld by people with more Power? the world may never know.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

I Hate being disturbed

I'm in the groove right now to write this paper, and now I have to go to work early. I HAVE TO. if you call me to sub for somebody, I HAVE to. damn. This is what happens when you don't have a house, or a laptop, or internet. I'm not angry, it has to be done. but damn, right in the middle! you don't get chances like this every day. I'm disappointed that it had to be this way.

Power, Fear, and Love

What's the difference between power, fear, and love...? I haven't been afraid of anything in a while, so I don't have an accurate feeling of it. Or maybe I'm afraid and don't know it, or I'm afraid all the time, so therefore I have nothing to compare it to.

Jack: "Don't be afraid. Be prepared."

Comparatively, if that is the right word I am seeking, maybe I have power and don't know it. Maybe I am in love and don't know it. But what's the difference if you don't know it? For all things considered, we will just keep the conversation at a palpable level.

I didn't want to use that word palpable, I use it so often, but 'sensuous' doesn't make sense. No pun intended.

I mean, our conclusions should be based off of what we sense, otherwise we get into Philosophy, GOD BLESS WHOEVER STUDIES THAT RELIGION, which then turns the conversation onto a tangent of a infinite degrees. And furthermore, philosophy is harder to prove wrong. get it? In this conversation, what we sense is what makes the facts. And the facts constitute the conclusion.

So what is Power? And how does it correlate with Love and Fear? A question from the back...?

Student X: "But why are you just including those? Why not include Hate as well...?"

A further question, why am I not including Hate in this as well? Well, I might as well, now that you've brought it up. See, it all started with me looking at an online list of '100 manly books a man must read'. I quickly glanced through the first few pages and figured out (yes, I am smart!) that I had read some of these books and had heard of quite a few of them, furthermore concluding that whoever made this list had some good taste (the list was pretty much solid). Scrupulously (I just wanted to use this word for comedy) reading through the details of several books, I decided I would buy an illegal e-copy of The Prince from the shady guy with the black trench coat in the subway bathroom. No seriously, I got it from my nearest Library, which they had one copy from back in the, hold on, I have to check the date... Oh yes, 1992 is it's publication date.

As soon as I got this book I knew that my life would be changed. How? I quickly opened to the Index and found chapter 17 "Whether it is better to be Loved or Feared" then ran 5 miles, took a shower, put a hot pocket into the microwave, sat down on my lovely couch, turned on the fireplace, and read the first page to discover that this book is really boring. It is really quite BORING! And all that I said before isn't real (I don't have the luxuries of a house). I can't relate to anything this dude is saying. It's like he lived over 600 years ago in a different country and era or something! Besides that, everything he was saying (by the way: his name sounds like a dinner plate (if that tells you anything about his credibility)) is just common sense.

John: "Of course I'd rather be Loved than Feared! What idiot wouldn't?"

But apparently it was something revolutionary back in the day.

So, I kept the book with me, always holding it in my right hand while walking down the street (so as to seem literate, thus attractive), and decided I would embark on my own queries. This is where Love and Fear come from. But what about Power?

"Love or Power. Great leaders have both."

...That was taken from my twitter account when I was postulating on what makes a great leader and what is Power and what is Love, etc. That's where Power comes in. It actually has been delved upon by other philosophers. And Hate is just good to include because it is a facet of Fear. Now, a question: how do we define these separate entities pertaining to our senses? leading to the BIG question: How do they all correlate with each other...?

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


FUCK. i don't have my sleeping medication. it's hell going to sleep without it. Well, for one thing i can bet i will be having some weird dreams tonight. fuck. o well... i hope i don't die. that's not how i want to die.

I am whatever you say I am

If I wasn't then why would i say i am
in the paper the news everyday i am
the radio won't even play my jam
cause I am whatever you say I am
If I wasn't then why would i say i am
in the paper the news everyday i am
i don't know that's just the way i am


refering back to X14

so, does that mean that if i put on a show and am put into an asylum that i am crazy....? does that mean if i kill myself that i am a murderer...? does that mean that if i save myself from killing myself, i am a hero....? there must be tonnes of heroes out there. there's something not right here. and that is, who you are is not defined by other people. it's defined by you.

but what about Hitler...? maybe he thought he was a hero. "mein Furher." but everybody else says he was an idiot, a mass murderer.

so maybe it is a mixture of the two. a person has two identities. who they perceive themselves to be and what the outside world perceives them to be. there has to be a bridge to connect the two. if the bridge does not happen, then the inner perception and the outer perception will not communicate with each other.
none of that matters after we die anyways. what ever happens, i'm guessing it will be drastically different than what life feels like. so it is better to enjoy life right now while we have it, as long as we can...

i don't want to do this act, but i am.

i have to work on this rap against this dude at work i don't really care, but i suppose i could push myself to do it.

Jack: if you don't really care, then why are you doing it...?

John: because he wants me to.

Jack: that's bullshit. you don't do anything anybody else wants you to do. Everything you do is for yourself. And if it wasn't then you wouldn't do it. So when you interact with other people, you're only helping yourself, not somebody else.

John: then why do I feel this force, this anxiety, like I don't want to do it...?

Jack: that's you fighting what is good for you. what you want and what's good for you are two different things.

John: I think there's more to it. a disconnect between body and mind. but the mind is the body and vice versa. it's physical. i think there's a flaw in your argument...


Tuesday, February 14, 2012


they all thought it was an accident. it really pisses me off. i didn't make it clear enough...? there is no way a man could've shot himself at that angle on accident. they probably thought i was an idiot. only an idiot would shoot himself on ACCIDENT. i could have died and the reasons for my death would be wrong. what does that tell me? that no matter how you die, you do not get to dictate to the forces beyond you, what happens to you after you die. they could chop you up in little pieces and serve you as soup. i don't know, be imaginative.


 "Who you are is not determined by what you could have done, what you are capable of, or who you think you are. Who you are is determined by what you do and the choices you make. If you murder, you are a murderer. If you steal, you are a thief. And if you save someone's life, you are a hero."

You're Weak

D: you're weak.

X: me...?

D: yeah, you.

X: how so..?

D: just the way you carry yourself. you're weak.

X: if i'm so weak then how come so many people hate me...?

D: because you act like an idiot.

X's mind: and for the longest time i thought you hated me because i was evil. apparently you don't know what i am capable of. i act like an idiot. i ACT like an idiot. act. is it better to be perceived as something you're not, than to be hated for something you are...? i'm still surviving

Monday, February 13, 2012

Truth is Survival, Therefore Truth is Good.

I don't have to explain anything. It is what it is. Can we explain why the Universe exists (as opposed to how), or why the Sun isn't blue, or why we don't see in 1-dimension instead of 3? The patterns of reality constitute what Is, and what Is cannot be changed. So what Is pertaining to Good vs. Evil...?

1. Truth is Survival. Therefore, Truth is seen as Good.

2. "truth" is the word used to describe knowledge that is correctly aligned with reality. Truth does not equal "truth".

3. Anti-Truth is Anti-Survival. Therefore, Anti-Truth is seen as Evil.

I explained a bit of this in my short essay 'Modes of Truth and Survival'.

I'm tired, I'll finish this later...

what is evil...?

J: what is evil...?

L:  whatever you want it to be.

J: what is God...?

L: the higher power that you believe in. duh.

J: how can evil exist if everybody doesn't agree to it's definition

L: just like God, evil is different for everybody.

J: When you say, what is a 'man' we can agree that man exits.

L: and your point is...? if you say the same for evil 99% of people will agree that it exists.

J:  God won't be different once it is proven that God is a physical entity.

L: okay...

J: So if evil exists then what is it...?

L: that's for you to personally define John. No one can tell you that for sure.

J: I think that i'm evil because I have done some evil acts. Do actions make someone evil, or what they truly feel inside...? Your opinion.

L: I think you know. Actions don't make someone evil. Its their true intentions.

J: This is where it gets fuzzy. So i can technically be evil, but do good things for people. But based on your opinion, there has to be known intentions or a result that would classify someone as evil. Otherwise, without the result, the person might as well be 'good'. So we really can't tell who is evil or not on the inside without evidence (we base people's intentions from their actions). Furthermore, without results, we can't tell who is good (on the inside) as well. So i could be good in the heart but do evil acts. But there is still no way to tell from the outside whether someone is truly evil based on his actions. Only I can define myself as good or evil. But society will use her definition to judge...
Just some notes from, looks like 2009 or 2010 describing the Master Idea...

Friday, February 10, 2012


the people in the shelter are hilarious. i couldn't sleep though. had a dream about God again. this is the fourth one. i was in another dimension pulling on arms that were coming out of darkness. i was paralyzed. my back was being attacked by something as in the other dreams. except this time when i called God to wake me from paralysis, a screen full of changing pictures showed up, then this sentence appeared, "God cannot help you." then i was paralyzed but my eyes were open and i could see everything in the shelter around me. it was dark, but the red exit sign was lit. then i woke up. so what is my subconscious trying to tell me...?

Monday, February 6, 2012


i'm not in school right now, and i don't have a laptop, but i have this urge to learn. to better myself. i want to know the innards of our government system and what makes it flawed. i want to memorize the whole system by heart. i see learning doesn't stop after college. you can succeed at anything you want, and become anything you want to be. all you need is the mentality of a student.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Thursday, February 2, 2012

if i disappeared forever, and lived off the government forever, i would not be so sad about that
make a book that revolves around 9+ personality disorders displayed through 9 different characters.

stupid or smart

X: look at this joker, telling me that i'm not smart. i'll have you know that a smart person can do anything he wants to do, say anything he wants to say, and still be smart. just like a stupid person will always be stupid no matter what he says, even if he says smart things. any smart person knows this, that smartness is inherent.

J: you're ridiculous. smartness is not inherent, smartness is learned. anybody can be stupid one day then learn to smart the next. smartness is action. just by you saying that shows how stupid you are...

X: no, a smart person can say things that are stupid and not care about the results, and people will perceive him as stupid. but the difference is, a smart person knows when he has said something stupid, even if he doesn't care whereas a stupid person doesn't know what he has said is stupid. smartness is not what's on the outside. it's what's on the inside

J: what people show on the outside reflects what's on the inside.

X: you are so ignorant. you should know better than anybody. a man can be as calm and collected as possible but inside be burning with rage. you know this. don't act stupid

J: proving my point, stupid is by action

X: but it is only defined by the audience. it isn't really stupid. if the audience knew what the person was thinking

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

What is God...? The Master Idea

Catholics, Muslims, Christians, Jews. they all unknowingly worship the same thing. God. Christian God is not separate from Jewish God nor Islamic God. Only in documentation do they differ because those documents were written from different viewpoints. God is not a person. God is not intelligent. How can a person describe God as something that's personifiable? God is beyond intelligent, beyond all-knowing. "Loving" is a crude way of calling God less than what God is because people are using human characteristics, a very narcissistic point of view if you ask me. Do not personify God. God is an entity that is because it is. God is the blueprint or dna, the genome of life on earth. God is constant, therefore God's patterns can be realized. People are not God. People did not create the sun, the moon, or the earth. God did. God is in the NOW. You can find God in mathematics, science, physics, psychology, etc. That is because God, the ultimate formula, The Master Idea, is the sole inspiration for all ideas.

untitled lyrics

as far back as i can tell
ever since i was nine
i got the idea in my head
that i wanted to die
but i was a good little boy
and i didn't tell anybody
cause the harm it would do
would just keep people from loving me
so i grew up in church
with people telling me it was a sin
but why shouldn't i want to die
with my situation
see i've had everything taken
you may think i have a heart
but shit no that's been taken too
when me and my mother split apart
so stop feeling sorry
or you'll always be sad
this is what these people keep saying
cause they've never had it that bad
i'm pissed off with life
cause i'm living as a minority
the people with disorders
and bipolar and border line personalities
so if you don't like this song
it's because you can't feel the pain
that all of us below you feel
when we cater to your name
we don't give a fuck
if you're already on top
white, male has a car, girlfriend and a job
this song is for the strugglers
at the bottom of the pit
who are picking money from their asses
and still managing to live
if you're out there and can hear
i know what you've all been through
i just wanted to give you some hope and make
this next song for you
D: why are you trying? just give it up. You know it's going to end anyways.

J: it doesn't end until i say it ends.

D: you're afraid of being transformed, aren't you? you know that once you give up the battle you will have to be a different person. a person that other people might like. you just hate being like everybody else don't you? well here's some news for you. You're not different. you don't have any passion. you don't have any talent. You're not going anywhere.

J: have you forgotten? talent is created.

D: no, you're at the end of your road. stop trying. nobody cares whether you succeed or fail.

J: i care.