man, waiting is the hardest thing. it's almost like i'd rather be dead than wait. waiting is torture. torture i tell you...! i'm defunct. what do i gotta do to tell you that. there's no way i'll ever be prepared until my time has come. until then, i have to wait. and waiting is the hardest thing to do.

WHAT IF IT NEVER HAPPENS

at this point in the story the main character turns to drugs to make it happen.

because he'd rather die trying to be alive than not have lived at all.

whose to blame?

don't drug your kids up parents. it should be their choice.

in other words, "I'm fucked up but i can't tell if it has been these last 10 years on psychopathic drugs prescribed to me from the doctor and forced on me by my parent or if it is all my fault..."

i'm homeless and have no place to go-less,
but that's okay. some people are less fortunate than me
i won't kill myself.
death will find me.
i don't have to do anything.
whatever happens, happens

it will get done.

what the fuck am i doing
i'm losing at losing
i'm winning at nothing
don't believe me i'll prove it
there's a loose knit
noose
in the back of my room
and i can't look at it
cause i'm afraid i'll attach to.
i try to relax through
but the lack of sanity
has brought me
panic attacks at noon
or is it night?
i can't really tell
when my eyes and sights
are always focused on hell
it's always sunny
in philedel-
phia
what-the-fuck
i can't tell what
i'm
say-ing
i'm from Chicago
no doubt that i'll go
down in the records
as just another
be-ing
among the millions more
how many are soar
and have contemplated
suicide by the lake side
shore...?
if the moon is high
maybe soon the tide
will take me away
in my sleep
fuck it
i'm in too deep
i'm up to my knees
in harassies
can you please
help me to help me think?
may i rest in peace
peace may i rest
i dunno
just a thought
X.

Gymnopedie

this always makes me think of the rainy summer days in Chicago

what am i doing...?

fuck if i know.

i'm alive.

maybe that's all i know.

nothing matters when you know you're going to die.

nothing matters when you know you're going to die.

i've realized that we're all just animals, we don't have a purpose. maybe we think we do. but we don't. we live, we die. Not one thesis in the world could ever be more powerful than Death itself. Death is forever. Man and his Ideas are not.


...

so i could jumpstart the process and kill myself tomorrow and it wouldn't make a damn difference. i have to be here because i want to be here, otherwise i wouldn't be here. i shouldn't be asking, what's the godamn fucking purpose in life. it's ignorant. i should be asking, what do I want to get out of life? if the answer is nothing, if i don't care about anything on this planet, then i have no purpose in being here. But if there is something out there that I care about enough to stay alive, then I do have a purpose.

i already feel like a hypocrite because i'm still here...


fragment

a distraction from the inevitable

X: "I don't want to play this..."


Jil: "What happened to you? You used to love playing video games..."


X: "That's because I could escape. I suppose you could say the same about any other art form, books, music, art. Fantasy isn't real, beautiful, but not life. Sometimes I wish I could regress."


Jil: "Why don't you...?"


X: "Because it hurts too much to know that it won't last forever. Everything is just a distraction from the inevitable."


Jil: "Which is: ?"


X: "Death."


Jil: "Is there something wrong with being distracted...? Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it will allow you to enjoy life again."


X: "...Maybe."

i think i was high last night. must've been the full moon

"no matter what you have to do, do what you have to do, and that's all you have to do."

"when you have everything taken away from you, everything that matters, you begin to learn that the only thing you need to survive in life is you..."

(a man in his cubicle sits at his desk and chants to himself, almost in a devious craze)

i'm gonna go crazy, i'm gonna go crazy, i'm gonna go crazy

...

...

wait! i think i already am..!! haha! I'M FREEEE! I'M FREEE! YES! THIS IS THE CLIMAX OF MY LIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...!

Boss: "Who are you talking to....?"


Jenkins: "Oh, uh nobody."


Boss: "Get to crunching those numbers Jenkins."


Jenkins: "Yes sir."

(but secretly inside the turmoil continues to boil. yes, that rhymes)

i can't wait til i go pro, i can't wait til i go pro, i can't wait til i go pro. and it's not basketball or music i'm talking about

untitled lyrics for rap battle

you call me street sweeper
your rhymes are so wack
quit smokin that reefer
get your mind back on track
the only thing i'm sweepin
is your girl on her back
see the only thing i'm keeping is yo girl so retract
please step back
refrain from attack
in fact relax
cause the only thing yo girl wants
is a nigga whos black
excuse me, only half
does it even really matter
ask yo girl one time
she says she wants to feel it harder
i'm john carter
animal with 2 brains
one 8 inches long
and the others insane
perfect for fame
i'll put you to shame
now here boy,
my caliber and yours
well it just aint the same
come around here like you know this shit
well this shit is the gift that lady's fuckin with
i'm the keanu reaves of beats feats and cgt
i could've been industry what you got on me
i stand for what i believe
i blead for a fight
whatevers left will know
no sins just wrong and the right
my name might be john
i'm a king but not toilet
i don't need shit on me
coming from the mouth of Doyle
so the next time you're here
giving your two cent
or tell me how much better you are with the time you just spent
just remember what you're spitting
crap in my face
i'ma rap that shit and put you back in your place.

i'm so pissed right now.

why am i here, why am i here, why am i here, why am i here, why am i here, whuy ansd i here , ahwy am iu he3re, why ami ak;sdmhere why amui here wwhya a,dmask.jdh.jsdhgkjsdgasdkjfh;ksdjvbsdk;jnbfd;kvjsvb;jsd';vbksr;gfikjbsi;vn ed;skjb s;dkjgb v;sikjk.;mdnbmdfbmdfbkmdfmdm   snkvs dnlsmnd,ls m,fn lsnf lk sdklj  d,jflkdj  dkls kldfvs,lkjsdfklsdf;.............. .... ... ....?

can't work on what i want right now, so i'm gonna shift/focus my energy to do the best at work...
they need me. i need to do my best.

John: "whatever makes you feel better."


X: "when do i get to work on what i want? I just want to relax."


John: "There is no relaxing in Life. otherwise you'd be dead."


X: "sometimes i wish i were."


John: "You'll be fine. now go. you're late..."


X: "i need help, seriously..."


Jack: "with what? You're back on track with getting your CG degree. soon you'll have your own job that you'll like. this is only temporary. remember that. Pain doesn't last forever."


X: "except in hell..."

Just some notes, bout to go to work:

Just some notes, bout to go to work:

Christians support War, which is a sin, but oppose Homosexuality which is a sin.

See it's not all about what is a sin anymore or not.

It's about what the Right thing to do is.

If China invaded the US would it be Right to declare war on them? Yes. Although we would probably lose, isolating just those two countries, one against the other, only those two.

Was it right that the US invaded and bombed Iraq and killed innocent Iraqi civilians and declared war against Iraq for building a Nuclear bomb? Well, it was a sin and it wasn't Right. So No.

Sins can be justified if they are the Right thing to do. Aristotle said something along the lines of 'never look at one incident the same way as any other. each incident is different in its own way.' this is how sins should be looked at. We all sin. We cannot get away from that. So instead of looking at things of whether they are sin or not, we should look at them as whether they are right or wrong respective to the situation.

Just because something is a sin, does not mean it is the Wrong thing to do. Just because something is not a sin, does not mean it is the Right thing to do.

What defines a sin anyway? The viewpoint of man as man wrote the artifacts of a religion. Man was inspired by God but man is not God and God is not a man.

I'll finish this later...

i'm probably never going to be able to feel my left nipple ever again

keep a poker face.