Judge Kimmel: So, you had over $3,000 in damages of the property that you leased. What do you have to say for this...?
luckily, I was an expert in the craft of, uh, arguing. I decided that I would pull out my best excuse: the "Squirrels are Evil" excuse. Surely the judge would see it my way after that...
John: Well, Squirrels ARE evil. Judge Kimmel: And...
John: And. and, they're EVIL...! Just look at them, going around stuffing their FAT. FUGLY. FACES. With nuts to say the least. Thinking they're gonna get away with murder. All while planning the eventual take over of earth! They're evil judge, that's all I have to say...
i'm sorry but i'm just gonna be real. musicians and artists are weird. i'm weird too. but musicians and artists are weird, to ME. they do all sorts of weird stuff. like, PERFORM in front of an audience. and hang out with their hipster friends. most of them are liberal. on top of that, they're just so frigkin, DEEP. why do they have to be so, DEEP, all the time? yes, musicians and artists are weird. i will never get them.
A reporter goes to a woman's house in southern Florida.
Wade the Reporter: Julia Krills is a 99 year old retiree who likes playing scrabble and, get this, she looks after her pet flies. (looks at Julia) Julia, could you tell us more about your pet flies...?
Julia: (Julia has a frail, old-woman-person voice) well, I've had them for over.. (hesitation) over thirty years. and... and flies are really amazing fast little creatures that like to eat...
(room turns black, Julia's voice turns into a DEMON VOICE)
..they like to eat the carcuses of fresh meat! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(you hear a man screaming in the background, the fireplace is golden green. after about 6 seconds the screaming stops. the fireplace goes back to normal and the lights turn back on. Julia is still in her seat and Wade is also back in his seat. but he looks pale.)
Wade: (dribble goes down his lip onto his sport coat. He's almost like a zombie) Thank you, Julia. Brian and Serina, (clears his throat) back to you...
i chuckled when i read that last one. chuckled. like the lion from the wizard of oz. look that up on youtube. is BE funny. Anyways this is Obidiah Gideon with Jewish Horror Theater. Once again, have a safe night and happy Friday!
(roll credits. Jewish horror music parading "Friday" by Rebecca Black)
"Friday, Friday, oy ve it's Friday! Gotto go to the bank and look at my savings, savings.
Then, suddenly i got a craving for that kosher meat, that zombie kosher meat...
Simone: My right arm is a lot bigger than my left arm... i wonder why...?
(Every weekend, Jerry Simone eats a Klondike Bar and unconsciously goes into a super powered diabetic, trance like state where he rampages through town beating up all the people that pissed him off the week before, with only ONE ARM. Fortunately for Jerry, he can't remember anything while he's doing it, and awakes in the most random places...)
that's why you gettin served like yo kiddies, witch here's 3 fitty go buy a mc-ribby-wich but i don't eat at mickey's cause i don't like mouse bits so make me some good muffins with this easy bake oven kit
"you're too soft XJ. you'll never make it in the industry."
that's why i gotta get hard, like yo titties, bitch here's 3.50, go buy a mc ribbie-wich i'm not a retard, an-sho not a kiddie, better look at my scars. -i just solved the sitchy. which, you gotta have ma digits, call me back in a bit-y, chick.
aunt jemina: "oh snap. oh damn. did he just...? -oh lord. oh lord help us."
man, people from upper middle class city are so clean. just watch a movie with them in it. look at their apartments and the places they go visit. CLEAN. they dress clean. they eat clean. Clothes, CLEAN. Restaurants, CLEAN. The floors they walk on are probably cleaner than my toothbrush.
But that's part of what makes a movie a movie. the creators want to attract a certain audience. Well, they didn't attract me. In fact, they repelled me. I'm not CLEAN.
Man: "Why do i hear voices...? Maybe the devil gave me powers that i don't want. Maybe God gave me powers i don't want... Maybe. maybe God is the devil...? Maybe i'm a genius. Maybe, maybe I'm a super genius with super powers...! Maybe I can fly....!!! NO. I won't go that far. Maybe, maybe, maybe..."
And so the man contemplated his disposition for an hour and nearly-a-half. Then he walked to taco bell and ordered a number 5 off the value menu.
Basically, we set up some blah blah bla blabababablahblablah bla-bla-blah bhal bla- blab la bububuaba bubba blabalbla blah blah blah blah ubbles and ubbles of bubbles. Lots and Lots of bBUBBLES. HAHAHA! I’m SWIMMING IN BUBBLES…! HA! YOU CAN’T DO THIS EVERYDAY
12:40 AM "yesss. join the dark side John. and together, we can have hot pockets and tator tots on saturday morning. Well, actually that's sort of homo. But sseriously, join the dark side bc it's cool. I just spent 1 min 29 seconds writing this out. Join me! I am awesomeness..." darth sidious xj
12:51 AM "pleaassse join the dark side... i'll put in this free t-shirt and bumper sticker if you join. Look, the t-shirt says, "i joined the dark side, for the EMPIRE". oh yeh, i have another 1 that's like, "588-2300..." then it shows a picture of a deathstar on the back. Isn't that cool...? Join me!" darth sidious xj
1:29 AM "okay, really i get a bonus if you join..." darth sidious xj
Bismark (in the voice of Arnold): "tell zi German teacher why you came to die schule today...!"
Student: "um, i thought there was class..."
Bismark: "NEIN, NEIN, NEIN! there is NO class today duuummy! Today is zie fierv die July!! HA! I am german and i know dat! Hold out your hand ... Whack! Eine deutchen sfpanken for coming to class today!"
Student: "Hey, you're here!"
Bismark: "I'm german dummy...! hahaha i love my job"