reading English is so freaking hard. but you learn so much by doing it. i have to admit, i've learned a lot by participating in this English class. but  i have to ask myself, could i have learned the same lessons by going through cliff/spark notes...?

i don't think so, because the real lesson comes from personal insight, not the insight of the community. people learn more when insight is intrinsic (not sure if i used that right), when they produce the innovative thesis that has never been thought. and the innovative thesis can never be thought if the work hasn't been put into its creation.

i'm not going home, i'm not walking another 1.5 miles, until i get something DONE.

"stop fighting and just do." okay, that is the advice i get for getting through college.

now, let's apply that to someone who is in the process of getting raped by a dolphin.

"stop fighting and just do."

doesn't make sense, does it? proving my point.

can you hear me now...?

just because i'm silent, doesn't mean i'm silenced.

i'm having problems. you see, i don't want to do this. somehow we have to make this a game. somehow

before i killed myself, the first time, i could do anything with ease, really, i had the motivation to do it. i was a genius, i still am. the difference is, after a life/death experience and the lack of social interaction and love i needed to survive, a part of me has become (almost zapped...?) numb? numb might be the word. how do i describe this... it is like not having the nutrients you need for so long that part of you becomes dead. or having one of  your main central nerve chords suffocated or choked and part of your brain becomes dead.

the part that was dead after i almost died was the 'motivation' part. i often wonder what will motivate me to do anything. i don't find fervor in challenging myself to be the 'best' anymore. who am i doing it for...? i can still think quite clearly and at times i knew that i still had this 'intuition' or 'psychic ability' that i had before. wait, no wait, that was before i almost died. the christmas after... o wait. that's right. that was the christmas after i came out of the hospital that i realized i still had it. interesting.

so evidently, i still have it. the other day i thought about suicide, which is natural for anybody really, there is nothing wrong with thinking about it, thoughts are natural, anyway i feel like i am being pressured into this corner. i don't like it. i have predicted, this is just a prediction, that my chances of committing suicide are much higher after i get a degree than they were before it. why? the 'degree' is a falsehood. it is FAKE. it has absolutely no value whatsoever than to categorize people and limit what they can do. something is wrong. i shouldn't feel like i want to commit suicide just because i'm forcing myself to get a degree. something is wrong. something is wrong. something is wrong.

there's nothing wrong with me.

Money is Power

No one can have power over you, unless you give it to them.

No one can have control over you, unless you give it to them.

No one can have your money, unless you give it to them.

You can't lose at a game, unless you choose to play it.

- anonymous

Why can't I just except life the way it is...? Damn. I don't understand why I don't want to do this shit. A student of life is a student of everything, until the day he dies. Why, then, am I repelled by learning some things...? I just want to do what I want to do, it's a rebellion against Authority. Authority is telling me, "NO. You can't do it YOUR WAY. You have to do this way and in this way exactly as I say you should, or you will DIE. 'My way or the highway.'" Aaagh, it's driving me crazy... Bleh

...

I don't submit to Fear. That's it. Instead of Fear giving me an incentive to be propelled to learn, it paralyzes me, repels me, or shuts me down instead. My body must have learned it that way somehow, probably because of the way I was raised...

Maybe I should stop looking at this problem as if it is something to Fear, then I will stop being repelled by it. Perhaps, what I think is a problem isn't a problem at all. Maybe, there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe, I'm thinking what most people think but don't dare to acknowledge. Maybe, I am doing the RIGHT thing, maybe my body is responding in a natural way...

Puzzles of my inner self, but a reflection of the society that made me who I am.

-Anonymous