maybe i'm just being paranoid about this whole laptop thing. maybe it will last me a good year

it's not that i don't want to do it, i can't.

but physically my body does not want to do it, my body physically can't do it. therefore i can't. i can say i want to do it, but how can i want something which i haven't felt and will never feel. it is only the cognition of an imaginary feeling that is conceived through my past experience, but not the actual thing. if i never have had the actual thing, i can never want the actual thing.

you can do anything you want to do, if you want to do it.

but your body is your mind and if your body doesn't want to do something then neither will you. so some people can't do things, it simply isn't their fault that they don't want to do them, they can't! so how do you tell the difference between someone who has the ability to do something but chooses not to and someone who does not have the ability, and can't. in both cases, their bodies don't want to do something, so all we can say is that they don't want to do it, whether they can or cannot.

Candidate X on Don't Ask Don't Tell

Update: but i realized the flaw in my argument to void "gay". no one can void any thing that exists by the power of the people. if people say they are "gay" then by the inherent rights that they are born with they are what they say they are. The problem comes in when the rights of people who define themselves as such are limited by legislation. Therefore, the correct thing to do, and only constitutionally correct, is to null labels, in legislation, not referring to or having anything to do with the basic inherent rights of man. So basically, don't ask don't tell is unconstitutional

X: look at the candidates, quarreling over something that's imaginary. we're so technologically advanced but backwards when it comes to this. The Romans had more on us. Really, sexual orientation never existed until the 20th Century. "Gay" is a label, an imaginary sense of power, used to put people on a hierarchy so that they can be compared with one another. Well I say, how can you compare one man to the other? They are both men. This "Gay" thing we must get rid of. A man is still a man no matter what he freely chooses to do within the jurisdiction of the Constitution. It is our God given right to do these things. If I was president, "Gay" or "Homosexuality" would not be permitted to be used as terms in any legislation. Once we get rid of this imaginary wall called "gay", everyone will be accepted  for who they are, which is a man or a woman. And all men are allowed in the United States Military.

Y: so what about the millions of people that already consider themselves "Gay". What about the "gay" rights activists, how can you say that it is imaginary? when a man calls himself "black" or "white" are these labels imaginary as well?

X: White and black are trivial compared to "Gay". Yet I would do the same thing to those two labels if they interfered with the sense of equality. When someone says they are "gay" they have become more powerful and yet less powerful. If someone wants equality, why use a label that goes against equality? The label has become common practice but it is wrong. If they want equal rights they have to change their ideals, everybody does, we have to change what we think is equal. Do you know why the Romans had such a great Empire? It is because this sort of thing did not deter them. In Fact, it didn't even exist. We have to change our ideals and stop putting labels on things to make them seem more complicated and bigger when these things are just normal. In legislation, there is no such thing as "Gay". Men are men. Women are women.

Y: so what would you tell this soldier who claims to be "Gay" yet is enlisted in the military?

X: He is a Man, just like any other man, a respectable member of our military that has the God given right to do as he pleases within the jurisdiction of the U.S. Constitution. And he can so choose to call himself "Gay", but if it were up to me, "Gay" or any other label would be null in any legislation. We see men as men, and women as women.

John: I hate people who think that people don't change

Jack: well, what do you expect them to think. they will think whatever they want to think, and if they want to think the worst of you they will.

John: so true of society as a whole.

Jack: not necessarily. you can't say that about everybody, just the people you've been with. cheer up, there's somebody out there that doesn't care what you've done.

John: but really the past is so frivolous anyway. why should people hold onto it? but you know why they do? it's cheep, convenient. a memory away. but time is a fallacy that is locked in our brains. what is that, that saying? some people will forget everything about you except the way you made them feel. we're objects with a palpable sense of existence. Concrete, like a brick in a wall. So small a part, yet still a part of the whole. We can be sensed, still, a day, a month, years away. Just by the impression we leave on each other. That is why it is so hard for people to forget. And yet, if they knew that nothing exists but only in the NOW, they may be able to accept each other for who they are, not for what their representations project.

Jack: the lingering idea that you distaste so much, is the same thing that brings joy and hope to people's hearts. the past can keep us alive.

John: as well as angry.

Jack: well, the world is not so forgiving. you know this.

John: if I am able to forgive, then so should they. it's just illogical, that's all. i have to admit even to myself, that i have been illogical in assuming that the ideas in my head, the hatred for whoever is corellational to their current disposition. when in fact, i cannot see nor hear them nor sense them in any way beyond my own, flawed, perceptions to be able to judge them. and even if i did see them, by chance, a walk in the park, a restaurant, i still would not be able to judge them accurately. i'm saying, i should be able to act like an ass, a complete ass. and the next day if i wanted to be a different person then i have the right to, the God given right to be. and I could be a different person everyday, if i so choose. so is it right to judge a life time on one day? No, it is not. not even a lifetime on a week, or a month, or even years. only after I have died can someone truly judge me. it's just stupid to me. stupid. but i guess it keeps the world running.

Jack: give it some time.

every single one of us has wanted anarchy, and if we don't want it now it is because we have been conditioned to not think so.

soon, i know it, my laptop will crash on me, yet it is less than 6 months old. it has already failed to start on one occasion, plus it keeps blocking me from WiFi. i do not have any viruses. it is a windows 7 problem and i have a crappy laptop. so, i really don't know when, but soon i am guessing... this means that i will not be able to finish the project i am working on, but we will still continue to work on it in faith that we may finish it.

you live long enough without something you love you begin to hate it, resent that it ever existed.

A: i haven't contributed anything to society, i don't deserve it's benefits.

B: you are society, therefore you deserve its benefits.

#iknowtheressomethingwrong when you wake up and have to ask yourself, "what am i doing?" is there no greater purpose in life? how can i not know why i exist? why someone survives everyday. why i take every breathe of air. it is all for a purpose isn't it? what is that purpose...?

the lithium. it has to be the lithium. or maybe it's the geodon

i think my laptop is about to crap out. making a weird noise. great.

some of us have wanted to revolt, and some of us have already died inside. we are the martyrs of a mute revolution. mute because it is suppressed. yet we still have casualties.

i'm tired. i don't know if i can be a hero.

go where life takes you

well i'm moving to the shelter in 2 weeks. i have a job, but it's not enough money to pay for rent. it's nobody's fault. that's life.

Good Stories come from Ethical Themes

this is how you make a good story:

you have to have several maybe up to six good themes that all come from a one line sentence.

"Who you are is not about what you can do, but what you choose to do."

most of them have to deal with ethics and morals.

then you set up characters with different traits to move the story along and to broadcast your key themes throughout the story.

then there has to be a climax.

there is more to it than this but basically every good story has several to a bunch of good ethical themes.
that is how Star Wars, Harry Potter, The Matrix, Lord of The Rings, all those good movies were made most of them from books.

what am i going to do for the rest of my life...? i don't even know. i don't know what i want to do for the rest of my life. i'm not passionate about anything. you know how you lose a passion. when it is pulled out from underneath you. then you lose hope. then you get used to no hope. and finally it's gone. this has happened several times to me. Chicago, video games, music. i used to be a lot more knowledgeable about the world. i still have cg. i've always had that. i hope that my fervor for it does not wane in the coming years, otherwise i'm sol. then i really don't know what i will do. hopefully i can get back into Gryffindor. next year or maybe during the summer. I'm tired of failing at life. it gets old.

taking a break, as the horoscope implies. back to work monday

9/9/2010

AAAA is a failure. I will not be able to get As in all of my classes. i don't have any money. and I don't have any meds. I haven't slept - I haven't been able to sleep for more than 3 hrs at a time with one exception.

9/3/2010

Well, it turns out plan AAAA isn't going as planned. I have everything at my disposal now so, it should go along smoother for the next two weeks.

7/7/11

sometimes i think that what is meant to be is non related to what we choose. As if choosing is imaginary and only "choosing" because we believe it to be.

7/7/11

10/15/2010

On this day 10/15/2010
John & Chelsea met at Suds hours later still pondering why such a significant experience
first time in St. Elizabeth Chapel to reflect and thank God for our lives during the Hour of Divine Mercy, 3 am
Most of all Thankful for our New found friendship
Oh the joys of Life

X: I think I did something wrong, but I'm not sure what.

John: What are you going to do, life's a tragedy. if you follow what everybody else wants you to do, then you wouldn't survive.

X: but i'm not going to survive. and it's not about me. or you. it's about doing the right thing... what is the RIGHT thing.

John: the right thing is only what you think it to be.

X: perhaps.

The Idea Simulator

John: look at me...! I'm dancing on the table, i'm dancin on the table, i'm dancin on the table!!

(shouting while dancing while pointing fingers up in the air)

Mrs. L: Mr. Hall! we are at a formal dinner gathering and it-

John: I could give a fuck. i'm dancing! i'm dancing!

Man in chair: (talks to guy beside him) You know what they say about stupid people: they always have fun.

John: (gasps) i heard that! why I'M NOT STUPID (shouting). I'll have you know that none of this is real! it's just a figment of my imagination, also known as an IDEA which I have augmented in this simulator!

Woman: How dare you!

John: Nothing about that woman is real. None of you are real except for me! I do what I want! And you're the first to go! (woman turns into a pizza)

John: (smug while eating a slice) ohoho! i guess she won't be ordering... delivery any more! hehe. okay that joke wasn't funny. but who CARES, it's my idea!

A Promise

Jack: Look me in the eye and promise me that you will finish this before you go.

John: I promise you.

i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better. i can do better.

just calm down and take this from a new approach

The Deadline

John: I'm putting a deadline on you and I'll kill you if you don't get this done! What do you want to happen? DO YOU WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL or DO YOU WANT TO DIE...? because that's what's gonna happen to you if you're not successful. If you don't get this done, you might as well commit suicide.

Jack: Don't listen to him. Take things one day at a time.  The horoscope already says you'll have some roadblocks. Don't let this discourage you, you always have tomorrow.

John: TOMORROW? this imbecile doesn't get it. by the time the 29th rolls around you're going to need another place to live. Do you think they'll let you "play" with your computer in a shelter?! NO, OF COURSE NOT. You have to get this done or face the consequences...

X: I just want to be happy, why can't I be happy...

i'm bad at storytelling.

today i sit in the library, and at first i was angry. i was angry because i was disturbed right in the middle of concentrating. somebody called me on the phone, a woman. i walked maybe a mile to two to her office. but this was a cool woman, i could tell by the way she dressed she is not like students around campus. that is because she is 30 years old. and she even offered me a ride home. i was happy. so something good came from this. that's what she said.

end.

Chicago, Revelations

A Good Revenge

X: I kill myself, I kill them. It's a win win situation

Priest: What about Forgiveness. That is what you need. Forgive yourself and you will forgive others.

X: Where has forgiveness brought us.

Priest: Very far in fact.

X: The U.S. didn't forgive Osama. Imagine if we had forgiven him, "Oh well let's forgive him." No. That's not how it works and you know it.

Priest: I don't think that God wants you to be unhappy forever.

X: Exactly, which is why I'm planning revenge.

Priest: You need people in your life that love you, then you won't need revenge.

X: I'm not waiting my whole life for that. Revenge is good. I want the world to know that revenge is good. Good things can come from it. A Good Revenge. But it might take a while.

i remember in the hospital the maury show was on everyday and i actually enjoyed it.

it shouldn't be this flippin hard to do this. i'm stalling myself and i'm not going anywhere *angry*. look, i've spent 3 hours in the library already. and i haven't gotten anywhere.

t12

haven't been thinking too much lately just been doing. not sure what's going to happen next.

Jenna said she liked me, that she didn't want me to be evil.

(two boys from mid 90's walk down high school hallways conversing with each other. A has a red baseball cap on backwards with a plaid long sleeved shirt on. His back pack is hanging on one arm and he is waering ripped jeans. B is wearing black and green. It's the end of the school day and the bells have just rung. Students bustling to get out. Energy)


Boy: Hey A! What's up?

A:Whats up dude? Hows it going? (high fives him. camera follows A & B almost circling them til they reach there destination)

(a beat)
A: Keep going.

B: But I feel like I'm letting people down. I feel like I could be a role model.

A: You? A role model? How can you be a role model when you're following what someone else wants you to do?

B: But, I'm afraid. To be me.

A: Why?

B: Because, because I'm evil. If I let myself out, who knows what will happen.

(stop by a locker to put the code in)

A: Look. You're going to make mistakes. There's no telling about that. But If you don't make mistakes, you'll never find out who you are. (opens locker door and starts putting books in) Hey, I'm not gonna lie. People might hate you. But you'll like yourself for who you are. Every great person has gone through this. You're not alone. (backpack over shoulder) Trust me.
(slams locker door)

A: See you tomorrow.
(a shot of A walking away)


(Camera zooms out in hallway, B Center, standing there)

this isn't fun, this isn't fun at all

i feel like taking a baseball bat and bashing in random car windows downtown.


update:
i kid. it's working now.

t11

X: "how totally fitting of society to reject the things that it creates."

A: "i didn't create you." ....

B: "neither did i"

X: "but you didn't stop it either."

A: "that's not our responsibility."

X: "of course, you have responsibilities of your own."

A: "things don't work like that. The world is just too vast for everyone to be concerned about everyone's well being. This is a Democracy, not Communism."

X: "Right, since the power to be assimilated into society cannot come from everyone, the power must come from the person herself. The person must realize that she is the power, only she, and only she can augment her ideas into reality."

X: "the weight of concern for a democracy is put on those higher levels of the hierarchy with the most common interest. the majority rules, but money rules the majority. what happens to the minority...?"

end.

thoughts_10

If you are ever a parent, do not be over controlling because it kills the spirit of a child. It leads them to believe that they're not worth anything, that they can't do anything by themselves, that they always have to depend on you or else they will not get anywhere in life. It's not healthy. It teaches a child to be helpless. Children should have responsibilities of their own. A child can't grow and learn to know what they enjoy in life if they are always being told they can't do that, or they can't go anywhere or do anything without permission. It really disgusts me how some people's lives have been lost to this. How some people actually believe that it was okay for their parents to do that. It makes me angry that it happened to a very good friend of mine.

thoughts_09

it's easy to see the solution, but getting there is the problem. why am i slipping away from this. just a roadblock i suppose. i used to be able to write whole documents on my own game design, now it's like all i see is visually. i can literally see the solution to what i want, but i can't explain it. maybe i just don't have enough vocabulary. i could be developing alzheimer's. That happens to people when they are alone for a long period of time. maybe i have a speech impediment. difficult, no wonder i failed 3 english classes. i need a tutor

NOTE to self

NOTE: i need to rewrite all this stuff with better vocabulary (SAT). criticism: it reads like a highschooler. need to take etymology course or buy vocab book. goal: use at least one two unique vocab words I have never used in each post. sources, the wall street journal, eco umberto & other scholarly articles, TIME magazine. there's a pattern to this stuff, just haven't picked it up, haven't been trying.

endNote

thoughts_08

Don't you know that the darker parts of your soul are only compounded even more after every dark thing you do. It becomes like a black hole, so dense it pulls in every good emotion you ever feel. But good continues to regenerate even if from nothing.

Thank You English Teacher

I had a challenge today. My English Teacher thinks my writing style is 'obtuse'. She also told me some of my ideas were "genius" that I'm more intelligent than that and that I should think through what I say before I say it otherwise basically I sound like a dumbass, which equates to: the audience does not know how to interact with my language or what emotion should be applied, or the language evokes the emotion more commonly attributed to negative stereotypes so it may be perceived as unintelligent or distasteful. Well, sincerely, thank you English Teacher. You taught me a valuable lesson.

You will make a difference.

John: (shouting) Everyday it's the same fucking thing! Why am I taking this God-damn medication if I can't do anything with it! (looks at Jack, pacing in his room) I only get one shot, (holds up one finger) one godamn shot a day, and if something gets in the way it's over. What am I doing? What am I doing, Jack? We have less than 365 days to get this shit done. Now I'm contemplating quiting this job that I liked so much. I'm doing worse, cause this shit is all that's on my mind.


Jack: (clears his throat) ehem. Well first I think you should seriously think about the implications of what might happen when you actually have no money. I mean, sure, right now it seems all good -

John: I've been there before. I know what it's like. You were with me, remember. I know I need this job, it's just I'm allowing something to happen, I'm allowing my time on earth to just slip away

Jack: well right now I think you are just angry that this is happening and when you are angry you make stupid decisions. I'm sure a month from now you will feel differently

John: I'm a freakin genius and I'm wasting my time acting retarded at a Restaurant!

Jack: You need that money for medication. Do the responsible thing.

John: (still angry) They all probably think I'm some retard or some shit like that. Just because I can't read the fucking order right. Now I'm in a bad mood and I can't program when I'm in a bad mood...

(John sits down on his couch. A sigh of frustration, hands on his temple. a couple seconds go by)

John: ...What if I fail...? What if this whole thing is just some frivolous childhood want that's not gonna make a difference...? I don't want to be here if I can't make a difference, Jack. I don't want to just exist. That's what I was doing before. This is the only thing I have, the only thing I have to make a difference...

(a couple seconds)

Jack: You will make a difference. When the time comes, you will make a difference.

end.