don't know what to do now. it's almost like i don't care. and i feel good not caring. i deserve to not care. because i cared for so long. what difference did it make...? i'm not afraid to leave. are you...?

going to try being silent for 24 hours... this is going to be hard, specifically since i talk to myself to try to cancel out negative thoughts from others

NOTICE

I HAVE JUST OPENED UP THOUGHTS FROM A SCORPIO AGAIN.

ALL OF THE BELOW MUST BE UPDATED.

PLEASE DO NOT BE OFFENDED BY THE LANGUAGE THAT IS USED. IT IS NOT MEANT TO OFFEND ANYONE AND IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE. THESE ARE THOUGHTS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT ADHERE TO REALITY, OR REALISTIC SITUATIONS.

-XJ

unfortuneatly, i have to find another place for my ideas. until that happens, NO ONE will be able to see them. sorry, NO ONE, if you are who you say you are, i have nothing to worry about.

looking looking looking, now i don't want to get up. damnit...!

i found something interesting. i typed in "Where are you" into google and Frank Sinatra's 13th album, which I have never heard of in my life popped up.

i just find it interesting that it's his 13th album for obvious reason. The title says it all: i'm not looking for you, i'm looking for "You".

you're sitting and thinking and you're not doing, John, you're NOT. DOING.

so...?

So you're gonna waste your life away.

and...? and what's wrong with that.

What is all the suffering for...?

Exactly, what is all the suffereing for...? Maybe there is no meaning to why i am here...? what if i never knew about the Master Idea what if i never knew....?

Then you would be one lost soul, you would be suffering and not knowing why...

because i wouldn't know the master idea (rhetorically)

yes, exactly.

so, who cares...? i know it now. i could live on this income for the rest of my life.

learn from the mistakes of your past lives.

right, i forgot about that.

test

Testing

yes, yess, that's it.

a 3D visualization of the Master Idea, that is interactive using the 5-tier system

That's what i'll build my next website around...

what will it be useful for...? we'll find out

dear vampirestat,

you're annoying in my stats, you're blogging them up. so could you please blog somebody else's stats up...?

thanks,

a blogger

drivebys

to the guy shouting out of the window of his car!: you have no idea who you're shouting at! thanks...! but i know who i'm shouting at: a dumbass...! haha i hope you enjoyed yourself at the expense of my existence! but if i make your day brighter just because i exist, i guess that's nothing to complain about...! at least somebody's happy...! have a good day...!

WANT A and WANT T

i think there are two different types of wants
what we think we want, and what we actually want

WANT_A
WANT_T

WANT_T is based on everything that we've actually felt through any of our senses, after birth.
i.e., we can never WANT_T something we have never felt before.

WANT_A is a powerful force that forces us to get what we WANT_A even if we are unaware of what we want. WANT_A is a want that goes along with the contancy of the Universe and it is what we have always wanted since the beginning of time, even in our past lives.

it is possible that WANT_A == WANT_T, however just because WANT_T exists doesn't mean it is equal to WANT_A, therefore WANT_T might never be realized.

furthermore, WANT_T is based only on what we've experienced after birth, so we might THINK we WANT something that gives us a feeling, but in all acutality if we ever got that feeling it is possible that the feeling we thought we wanted is a totally different feeling from what we actually get or what it actually is.

hence, we can think we want something, but thinking to want something can equal thinking to want something else, but it isn't something else because we don't know it.

the difference between want and like

there's a difference between WANT and LIKE.

the difference is, WANT means that a person will get what they are seeking.

if you WANT something, you WILL GET IT.
if you don't WANT something, you will NOT get it.

however, just because you WANT something, doesn't mean that you will LIKE the process it takes to get it.

so i WANT to get this stuff done, however, i don't LIKE the process i have to go through everyday to even start on finishing a project.

also, if someone doesn't LIKE the process it takes to get something, their body might adjust and NOT WANT what they don't like anymore.

but then there's the theory that what you WANT cannot be changed and is set at birth. so, we might THINK that we WANT something, but if we never get that something, then we never WANTED it in the first place.

so we can never NOT WANT something, because that would denote that there is a choice, which based on the theory, there isn't.

we can only GET what we WANT, although we may or may not be aware of what we actually WANT.

WANT is complex. it needs to be studied more but on a scientific terms, it can be described as a predisposition / genetics / heredity (i think) and on a more metaphysical level we have studies such as Numerology which basically say that there is a 'constancy' in the universe, that is similar to, of course we have the Master Idea to go along with that.

get it...?

need a month's supply of energy drink.

that would cost me about $80.

hmm, it might be worth it

need a freakin office

makes me angry like hulk

gonna hulk smash all this shit

where's my freakin office...?

need to build a shell

sound proof, air conditioned, with internet, only for one person, me

no groups of people talking in the background, nothing

cause other people's energy is distracting

especially when you DON'T want to do something.

whatever,

most people probably won't see it so they probably won't know about any relationship whatsoever, and most people, if they see it, they won't even think about it, but the thing is, they're taking it with them, where ever they go, whether they know about it or not...

THE POWER OF NUMBERS....!

but more specifically,

 THE POWER OF IMAGE BROADCASTING / PROJECTION (Theory)

...

that's the image broadcasting theory i'm talking about. (in other blog)

makes me angry to know that i could've done better, i could have reached my potential by now or been closer to it had these 'things' not gotten in my way.

it's like being in a cross country race where someone is holding you back by your arms.

"LET. GO. OF. ME....!"

i'm probably going to be reincarnated, if i die before i reach my potential

what was that saying,

"it is better to light a candle than curse the darkness"

how is it that a 5 with a less than 10 destiny and a 6 with a less than 10 destiny are more successful than a 1 with an 11 destiny...?

i'm not trying hard enough. 

also, i shouldn't be comparing.

there can only be 1

Today is a beautiful day outside, but when i went inside there was this big huge mother fucking fly just zooming around the library. God it's annoying. and they're disgusting too....!

a fly is the only mf from the insect world i would kill, besides a black widow.

sometimes i think flys are spies from the devil, cause... God there it is again...! AGH, annoying mf...

...cause everytime i'm doing something important or it's a nice day, a fly has to show up and annoy the f out of me. just that annoying buzzing noise "ZZZZZZZZZ"... that's when you know. it's a HUGE MOTHER FUCKING FLY

*rolls up some paper*

"There can only be ONE...!"

beginning to think that computer graphics isn't my preferred outlet.  but i can't stop now: if i don't do it, who will...? then it will never be 'materialized'...! agh! oy ve!

haha i used oy ve, and i'm not Jewish.

is that legal...?!
(okay, I looked for a meme, couldn't find one)

who leaves $56 lying on the ground in an empty parking lot...? right out in the mid open. and the thing is, i didn't have any income backing me up and i was low on money. but 56$...? come on, who does that, i almost thought someone planted it there on purpose...

this happened a while ago but still thinking about it

2 Ideas

Sorry just drank some energy drink so felt like making this pretty... haha okay

IDEA

...all this numerology stuff, it reminds me of two things.

───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────

 ■ a past thought, just maybe a split of a second: can we not

    change time...? are people's destinies decided before they

    are even born? is there a universal order...?

 ■ another past thought before i realized the Master Idea: we

     are ideas before we ever become materialized. That is,

     before i knew myself, before i will ever know anything

     about myself, the 'idea' of me already exists. my 'idea' is
     shared with other's 'ideas' so we 'know' each other be-
     fore we ever know each other: our ideas merge / share
     their compositions on a sub level that can't be detected.
     that is why some people seek out certain types of chara-
     cteristics in others and why, arguably, what we want in
     life or the relationships we obtain is something that cannot
     be changed. furthermore, because the material is based
     on an 'immaterial' realm that is always constant and 
     invariable, we can say that the basis of 'reincarnation'
     and numerology correlate with this very idea. the ultimate
     realization is knowing that if 'i' am an idea and 'she/he' is an
     idea then we both came from somewhere, i.e. the
     Master Idea... more on this later.

───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────

Do you get what i'm saying...? It might be hard because you probably don't even know what the Master Idea is. Okay, I'll explain a little in my other blog...

'it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.'

very interesting. if / when i start writing movie scripts, this theme going in it...

Sex and Numerology

Woman to Man: so, a number 11, a number 22, and a number 33 walk into a bar...

Man: oooh yeah, sexy...

Woman: hwhat...? i was talking about Numerology you pervert...!
...

Personality Number

how did they get 33 as my personality number...? one site says it's 11 the other 33

Update:

The correct number is 33/6

Interesting Numerology stuff

Numerology for John Edward Randall, born 10/29/1987.
Ngot this from a website. My life path number is 1, my life destiny number is 11....

See why choosing the right thing is important to me. I can learn the lessons from my past lives.

DESTINY 11

“I live my visions and realize my dreams!”

Destiny 11 produces people who are sensitive, present and tuned to the feelings of others. This vibration denotes individuals who are courageous and intelligent – the great visionaries of our society seeking human progress. This destiny reveals a spirituality that is open and inclusive, different from the spirituality of 7 which can be serious, demanding and often times intolerant.

You are the worlds greatest dreamers – visionaries through time – the windows that give us access to new ideas and alternatives for a better life. This is without a doubt appreciated as long as you act upon them. If all your dreams and visions stay in a world where only you have access, they will not serve us in any way.

11 is a double vibration, it denotes a level of high intellectual power, although nothing keeps you from being good with your hands, your real potential remains your head – intellectualized. This faculty can be used for the good of humanity but in the negative it can also be used for organized crime. Be prudent. Life experiences are nothing but memories we collect through time. What memories do you want to collect? When used positively, you touch the highest cosmic vibration, in order to do so, much personal work needs to be done to achieve this, hence, begin today.

Your understanding and knowledge is indeed extraordinary, which can make you someone who knows everything. Try not to let that bother you, for that is exactly what you have chosen to do and share with us in this life time – to teach us alternative ideas followed by a sane way to evolve in light, harmony and acceptance. Remain present and realistic and avoid fantasies. This frequency of existence also gives you the ability to change faces, to separate your home problems from the office and vice versa. Since there is always two sides to everything, you may use this ability to get off from a less honest situation and/or circumstance you have created or entered. Try to use this faculty positively and truthfully, remember, the truth will always surface.

This destiny offers an extraordinary power of perception – an intuition that is strong and remarkable – well above the average. Accept that you perceive things that others don’t. This is the reason why your destiny is a master number vibration much is expected from you, not only to serve your soul’s purpose, but to share with us as well.

When Negative: You receive an energy that is double and abundant creating in you nervous tension. If you are active and dynamic you’ll serve your destiny well and will experience a life that is pleasant, productive and healthy. If instead you decide to draw back and choose an easier path, (1+1)=2, then you will experience physical and/or psychological problems. Yours is a master number destiny, remember, much is expected from you. 11s as well as 22s, the two master numbers, could retreat into a simple vibration, 2 and 4. At first it seems to be more comfortable, however, you will soon discover that that comfort is nothing but temporary.

Profession: Although more intellectual than physical, you can also excel manually, especially if your other numbers promote it. This is indeed a very diplomatic vibration and one that loves people. Professions such as, psychology, philosophy, law, politics, doctor… anything that has to do with people and deep thinking, including business and leadership fits you perfectly. Bill Clinton remains a good example of the potential of this vibration. Choose an occupation that is based on passion and dance with it.

Finances: To fully realize your financial potential you must recognize your need to take action and materialize the wonderful dreams and visions you receive. Faculties you have inherited from previous lives and are here to share them with us. Whether it is a house, a project, a computer… all begins with a thought, a dream, a vision. Expose them, and materialize what inspires you. Only then can you attain the financial success you desire and deserve.

Relationships: Just as 2s, relationships are also crucial to 11s. Your world would simply be incomplete without them. Recognize that due to the intensity of your energy, you need stimulation and activities, perhaps it would be appropriate for you to choose someone who is also dynamic, energetic and spontaneous, otherwise you may find yourself living what we call a double life. Needless to say, but this can very well bring you all kinds of complications and adversities.

Health: Due to the double energy you receive, you need to pay close attention to your health. Start by learning how to control the way you feel. You can be very sensitive, or worse, you can hide it inside. The formula here is simple; if you feel good then all is good. Keep active, remember, all that energy needs to be evacuated. Just as 7s, 11s are also a mental energy, sexuality performed with passion and love can and will fine tune your health. Sports as well as physical and mental activities are without a doubt for you the perfect prescription.

Ding dong the t.v. is dead

remember how i said that the t.v. was anoyying me...? well yesterday, on the 13th, while i was asleep, my roommates were watching t.v. and a puff of smoke came out of the t.v. and it stopped working.

kind of superstitious if you ask me, 5/13/13 the t.v. is dead! hahaha okay

need to come up with some new ideas. hmm, everything is pointing to this one idea. trying to steer off of that. it's a good idea, but i can do better.

gosh.

think i will take a stroll and try to get some inspiration...

this will be a feat if i can pull this off... but it's not just ME. it's everything before me, for thousands of years and even before that, since the beginning of the Master Idea...

i once lived in the past. it was me, but it wasn't me. i am me, yet i am everything before and after.

there is no time, only the NOW. i can neglect the responsibility of my path, and not fulfill my part, which would result in a massive (something bad). or i can rise to meet my responsibility (like Aragorn)...

We all have a responsibility.

My numerology and horoscope has been correct up to this point. Let's hope it doesn't fail me.

keep at it, keep at it, keep at it! never give up...!

Keep going: you've done too much to give up now.

i have 3 different numerologies but one horoscope, no matter what my name is. They say, or point to, that i should keep going even if I don't know why, because the hard work will pay off. Something great can come from this...! The purpose may be hidden, but i'm curious none-the-less...

trying to give up what's been holding me back in the past 8 years. at the same time, it's like, there's nothing to motivate me anymore cause i have no anger to back me up, no anger to push me, nothing. when you let go of your past

the grievances of my past are what pushed me to be better than what i am.
if i have none, what propels me anymore...?

"I must get this done, so i can show so and so that i'm better than them."

that doesn't exist anymore. why should i keep doing what i'm doing...?
...

what will i do...? i'm in a white room, surrounded by nothing.

and well, insightingly, i shouldn't have to interact with it. That's my choice, but the fact that i fear it tells me that i'm not cognizing the whole situation. i'm leaving something out. why do i fear the energy...? if i choose not to interact with it i shouldn't have to fear it. this probably means that in the past i had a bad experience that i have never gotten over so that somehow i associate me not accepting the energy to persecution. so basically, one day in the past i told someone that i wanted to do something different or i acted different and that ended up resulting in me being persecuted.

so how do we solve this problem...?

The easiest way i found is to be straightforward with people and don't let them tell you what to do, NO MATTER WHAT.

"WHY don't you come into the bar with us...?"

"No thanks, i don't even drink. Bars are boring to me anyways. Catch you later."

People will repect you even if you're different if you have principles or a way of living that you stick to.
I found out if you go around do things that other people want you to do instead of what YOU want to do they will eventually disrespect you and try to give you their (sometimes lame) advice when all you have to do is tell them,

"I don't drink and I will never drink. Sorry, that's how I am."

or

"That's not how I think. I'm not interested in a relationship with anyone. That's just how I am. And even if I was, it would be none of your business."

i hate the summer, oh the summer is going to suck big time, i fear the summer

there's more energy going around, more people out. more energy == more confusion, more fear.

unless you interact with it. you will fear the energy unless you interact with it, become part of it

i have a choice, i can ignore it, but it gets angry when i do that and it tries to tell me that there's something wrong with me if i ignore it

"You're not normal! Normal people LOVE All This Energy...!!! We hate you because you're not normal!!! Break down his door! Make him come out here and enjoy this weather! HAHAHAHAHAH"
(metaphorization/exaggeration)

on a side note, the good thing about Chicago is that it has 4 seasons.

hmm

Image Broadcasting theory in movies: The Explanation

sorry i wrote sloppy i'm just trying to get the gist down.

did you get that last post...? Image Broadcasting at its finest. See, even though kevin wasn't in direct contact with gary, gary's motive was ultimately broadcast to him through the people that were. first the motive was broadcast to gary's tutor who broadcast it to his grilfriend who broadcast it to the therapist, who, unfortuneatly, broadcast it to his unaware patient, who didn't know that every time he went to his therapist's office he subliminally picked it up off of him. this is why kevin kept getting paranoid (the image broadcasting theory) but didn't know why. subconsciously or subliminally he knew, it was a symptom of carrying gary's motive with him. but he couldn't consciously know because he couldn't detect or relate the feelings to anything. low and behold kevin get's so paranoid that he actually buys a gun. he wants to kill this feeling, whatever it is, that wants to kill him (could this possibly be the motive talking to him...? wispering in his ear. but what is it saying...?) at the end scene, in the room there is gary and it just seems that they so happen to be in the same room as eachother when kevin has a gun. gary says, "fagot" and pays the price for doing so. kevin kills the source of the paranoia, the source of the image and that is why he becomes freed. this will surprise you, but gary actually had his motive accomplished through the indirect broadcasting chain that lead to kevin. gary, actually had a death wish because he was struggling with thoughts of inferiority. that's why he was so mean, gary thought bad of himself that's why he was so judgmental of kevin, because kevin resembled what gary hated about himself.

see, the psychology is basically thus, kevin is a mirror image of some part of gary. gary doesn't like this part of himself so he tries to smother that part out that he sees in other people. everytime gary sees kevin he is reminded of that part of himself and starts to actually hate himself to the point where he subconsiously wants to kill himself. but the catch is he can't do it himself. so the motive is broadcast everytime gary feels bad about himself and is in contact with other people.

now, the ending is important because this is the first time gary and kevin are both in direct contact with eachother. so gary really feel s bad about himself and you guessed it, he broadcasts the death motive directly to kevin who fulfills that motive. and consequently goes to jail.

This would be an example of image broadcasting in a movie or script.

pretty awesome huh...?

The Image

there's this story about this dude named kevin. kevin thought he was having delusions, well he didn't really know what delusions were, he kept telling his therapist he thought people were out to get him, but his therapist kept insisting NO nobody's out to get you. kevin kept going to his therapist every week but he kept getting more paranoid and more and MORE paranoid. he thought everyone was out to get him, strangely it would get worse every time he would leave his therapists office. kevin somehow attributed this to that being in the therapists office was so therapuetic that it seemed alot worse when he left. one day kevin was at home. he kept hearing these voices tell him he was a fagot. FAGOT FAGOT FAGOT. kevin got scared to where he couldn't sleep at night because he thought the people were after him. kevin got so paranoid, that one day during the middle of the day he rushed from his room to his therapist's office and burst open the door and told his therapist that he needed serious help urgently. his therapist told him to calm down. eventually kevin got drugged up by the nurse in the therapis'ts office. it didn't work though. kevin went back home still paranoid an hearing voices. in the meantime, after kevin left the therapist's office, the therapist went out to eat lunch with his daughter. his daughter decided to bring her boyfriend. the boyfriend just so happened to be a tutor for another boy named gary who had bad feelings for kevin ever since they met. gary had really bad feelings for kevin because kevin was different. yet somehow, even though gary hated kevin, he could not stop thinking about him. he hated him though and thought he was a fagot. one day gary saw kevin from across the room and said to his tutor, "let's go, i'm not staying around this fagot." every day gary woudl be tutored by the boy. and everyday as routine the boy would go to his girlfriend's house, and every day the girlfriend would eat lunch with her father and everyday the father, the therapist would talk to kevin and try to calm him down. but for some reason everyday kevin would become more paranoid and scared that somebody out to get him. one day kevin get so paranoid that he buys a gun and decides to go shooting. kevin gos to a room and decides not to shoot. gary just so happens to be in there. gary say, "you fagot". kevin pull out gun and shoot gary. then kevin instantly stopped having paranoia and ultimately went to prison for killing gary. the end

HTML5 is so freakin annoying i hate everytime i have to build a freakin webpage i have to start almost from scratch it really annoys me how the pages all have to be almost identically the same in order to get effficient design. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON JS. THERE's too many freakin RULES...! ARARARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH...!

kAmE hAmE...

and my roommate is still wacthing t.v.

huh great

i really hate when the t.v. is running and i'm trying to work, which is pretty much i work all day, every day. i take my work pretty seriously and so do the other people in the house except for ONE person who doesn't really do the studious types of stuff the other 3 of us do. he's the only person who watches t.v. in the house. talk about picking similar roommates. i'm not mad at him it's just, damn, it's hard for me to concentrate and i literally have no where else to study. it's very hard for me to concentrate so once i get going i don't like to be disturbed.

and the real problem is the living room is right outside my bedroom door, the t.v. is like literally 5 feet away from my door.

i wanna get rid of that t.v. so bad...

BUT, it is not my right as a roommate to tell someone what they can or cannot do with the t.v. so, i have to put up with it.

i really need an office. or better yet my own apartment or house.

my own studio. that sounds nice.

i have a job, i'm just not being compensated for it yet. that's okay, i enjoy what i do, WHEN I'M NOT BEING DISTRACTED. i have my headphones on too, but i can still hear it.

damn it.

these drugs don't work

a project question

all work no play makes Jack a dull boy.

i think the secret is to remain quiet at all times.

please stop talking, i can hear you...

the project

Gotta slow down and take my time.

becoming zombified when i look at the work that needs to be done.

in my head it's nearly done, but in reality, tons of coding, artwork, and CG must be completed.

think the problem that i'm coming across is that i don't like the design, i.e. it's not different enough, not revolutionary enough. in order to reinvent something the design is a major part of that.

gotta keep trying, take a step at a time, complete it in chunks, but NOT rush, because rushing stalls the process...

...

(tbc.)

*sigh*

*sigh*

work, work, work, and when you have a stable backup, then you can get your life together.

i'm glad blogger exists, today i did some venting and i felt like punching a hole in the wall.

but i didn't. maybe i'm not too crazy after all.

... but i am crazy.

this makes me think.

if i have to become "GAY" in order to get rid of this disorder, then i'll DO it. i'm ready to commit to that. here's the problem, either i really do have a disorder THAT EXISTS! OR that is a BUNCH OF BULLSHIT and i am really just a fucking normal person who was forced to take fucking pills that fucked up my life.


...

You know what i feeeel like...?
"They" didn't ask me what I FEEEEL like, when THEY forced me to take BULLSHIT.
FUCKING FAGOTS.

I HATE THEM.

You know what i feeeel like...?

You wouldn't know, you can't hear me...

...

too bad for you.

FAGOTS. v1

you fucking fagots. did you ask me for my permission before you decided to LEGALLY change my status... YOU DIDN'T ASK ME, FAGOTS. did you wait until i was 18 to label my medical history with BULLSHIT. FAGOTS. MAYBE the reason i acted the way i did was because i had a horrible parent. FAGOTS. you bunch of fucking FAGOTS. you fucked up my life: pray, pray, PRAY, to your fucking gOD, pray to the pills that you prescribe and force down innocent children's throats, pray to your elite and "higher level of thinking", pray to your fucking gOD, to consumerism, to money, to everything you idolize, pray, that within the next 50 years, i don't  fuck up yours. FAGOTS.

"NO ONE HAS THE ABILITY TO CONTROL ME, ONLY I HAVE THE ABILITY TO CONTROL ME. SAYING OTHERWISE WOULD BE AGAINST THE LAWS OF SCIENCE AND AGAINST THE RIGHTS INHERENT TO ME AS A HUMAN BEING. IF I HAPPEN TO FIND OUT THAT A FORCE IS CONTROLLING ME, THEN I HAVE THE RIGHT TO STOP THEM BY DOING EVERYTHING WITHIN MY POWER. I ALSO HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN APATHETIC TO THAT FORCE. IN DOING EITHER ACTION I KNOW AT ALL TIMES THAT IT IS MY CHOICE. IF I CHOOSE TO PARTICIPATE IN ANY ACTION, LEGAL OR ILLEGAL BY THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES, I KNOW AT ALL TIMES THAT IT IS MY CHOICE AND THAT ALMOST ALL CHOICES LEAD TO CONSEQUENCES. I AM FULLY AWARE OF MY ULTIMATE POWER OVER MYSELF. I AM FULLY AWARE THAT I HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE MY LIFE IF NEED IT BE. I AM FULLY AWARE THAT THERE MIGHT BE INFORMATION OR 'STUFF' OUT THERE THAT COULD CHANGE A SITUATION IN MY LIFE AND THAT MY SITUATION IN LIFE WILL NOT CHANGE UNLESS I DO EVERYTHING WITHIN MY POWER TO SEEK THIS INFORMATION AND FIND IT. IF I CHOOSE TO DO NOTHING, THEN I AM THE ONLY PERSON CULPABLE FOR NO GAINS."

*'good' is a term used to describe what is pleasing to someone, i.e. what someone prefers

do you sometimes feel like shit...? sometimes i do. that's when... wait a second.

PEOPLE ARE IN CONTROL OF HOW THEY FEEL...?!

this information is revolutionary. suppose i felt like shit. i could tap into my subconscious and do the actions required to change the way i feel to make myself feel the way i want to feel.

(tbc)

have to keep going, no matter what gets in the way. yep, that's pretty much it. i WILL FINISH THIS.

you could build your own self fulfilling prophesy. sometimes they can be for good purposes. i find that posting my progress online is a way of helping me reach my goals, cause then i can be like, "WOA. i did that. i can do better."

some adults act like fucking children. i said, NO you can NOT use my milk. if you don't like it go out and fucking buy some. god damn. the nearest walgreens is right down the road. would you like me to give you directions...? and if you touch me one more time because you get angry i'm gonna fucking give you what you should have got the first two times. YOU'RE A FUCKING ADULT. quit acting a like a two year old who can throw tantrums and do whatever he wants to people around him without getting consequences. and you call yourself an activist...? this is not how activists should act. especially at your age. man, show some respect for yourself and people around you. and DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME AGAIN. or else i'll fucking whop you in the face. and i know you would lose in a fight against me. i think you're spoiled. too spoiled. you think you can go around touching people whenever you choose. don't do it again. that's all i'm saying...

in the words of obi wan kenobi...

if you ever feel like shit about yourself, like you're nothing, just remember, pain is a temporary death. let "them" 'strike you down.' imperfection is a double edged sword. it may kill you to come to terms with it, but you will be reborn again to be awesomely stronger than you ever have been. that's something to look forward to. in the words of obi wan kenobi...

"You're a sinner. So accept that. We have to move on with life. This is the only life we have..."

without intelligence, there is no meaning. without meaning, there is no sin. without sin, there is no death. we existed part of the Master Idea before we knew it. and when we knew it, we grew apart from it. any thing we don't know doesn't exist. we cannot die from something that doesn't exist. but since, in any circumstance, the scope of our intelligence goes on to infiniti, at least within our powers, everything exists within any possibility. once you see, you will never have not seen again. death lives.

Sin

sin is stark and grotesque. like a cancerous sprawling worm with millions of legs protruding into your body. often glorified in movies, scientifically, it is no trivial or naive matter. once you are welcomed into that world, there is no turning back... so ponder and relish the simple things in life that bring you joy. in any intricate moment they can be overwritten. but it's up to you to make that choice. if you choose it, "they" will welcome you, but will you feel welcomed... or outcast....?

poster: welcome to the world of sin. you wanted it, now you have it.

being an adult is serial

god, i hate worrying. sometimes i can't stop myself from doing it. it just makes me sad, ya know...? nothing can be perfect. no matter how hard we try, nothing can be perfect. can i at least relax from worry for a while...? god damn. being an adult is serial

and that my friends is why i have succeeded first, and they have not.

you're not going to change the world by giving out pity.

it makes me sad to see that people don't understand. they don't. but growing apart just means we're growing older... and that's the way it is.

i really hate how some people friend other people because they feel pity for them. to me, pity is the lowest form of any emotion anyone could give anyone else. they really don't understand. i am one of the most powerful people on earth (but i never said there were few of us. there are only as many powerful people as there are people who admit it...) don't feel pity for me. i deserve everything that comes my way. if i am at fault for every bad thing that happens in my life, then if you are willing, if you choose to give pity, i am responsible for every success that happens in my life. but since i argue that you might never understand where i am coming from, then i guess it is a double standard. i can't judge you based on your pity. perhaps you think it actually changes people. more power to you. but i believe it doesn't. you're not going to change the world by giving out pity.

1964

Southern Police Officer: "judge, I heard something. some kind of 'thumpin' noise. so I opened up the door..."

Judge: "go on..."

Southern Police Officer: "so i opens up the door and say, and seen him on the bed and says, 'what're you doing...?' and he say, "jumping"..."

Judge: "and then what did you say...?"

Southern Police Officer: "judge, i says, 'NO MO MONKEYS JUMPIN ON THE BED...!"

Richard: "dude, you're old news. just stop what you doing. just stop. your game is over."

X: "who says...?"

Richard: "everybody thinks that. i think that..."

X: "you think...? YOU THINK...?! and it's as if the whole world's tiny little pieces have been put back together because you think...! all is well now! please forgive me for not noticing before you told me that 'you think'...! i have no reason to stand in front of your presence. in front of your thoughts. i am unworthy. i don't deserve to live, now. but somehow, i will. this has been a life changing moment..."

and i look at these songs. THESE SONGS... these grammy award winning songs. and what do i see...? it's surface candy. hell, this is what it takes to write a grammy award winning song...? maybe i'm missing out. maybe i'm thinking too deeply into it. surely lyrics this simple mean something to someone.

just not to me.

maybe the simple things in life are joys that some people will never get. maybe the deeper things in life are complexities that some people will never get.

sometimes i still wonder if i'm the only person who thinks like me...

like, are all these people still literal...? are they still thinking at the surface...? maybe i just can't SEE them thinking deeply... maybe i just can't FEEL them connecting to the Master Idea

the difference between then, and now, is that i'm on less lithium. can you tell...? haha o well, it's nothing to worry about. i enjoy my job

i think only actors and activists would get into that last one. real people are too afraid. what am i saying...? 'real people'? haha i'm a real boy...!

the one thing you should fear, if anything, is people who are ignorant and afraid. cause those ignorant a-holes will do anything...!

what if i acted crazy on purpose just to see how far it would take me... and document it at the same time...? that's it. a flash mob of crazy homeless people... i likey. no, a flash mob of just 'crazy' people. that includes homeless people, conspiracy theorists, ordinary-crazy people, and all the rest... we could start out by having the most insane conspiracy theorists, like 29 of them competing in downtown Chicago in one place, shouting at the top of their lungs... hahaha this would be great. what would be even better, is if we filmed it at the time of happening. then all of the homeless people come in, then all of the people who believe in aliens, then the people who lost their jobs swarm in. the people who believe in aliens and governmental interference can wear aluminum foil hats.

awesome idea. that's all i'm saying.

do you have anything to say for yourself...?

"judge, i told you, i'm not crazy. i'm a human being. i don't have to express to you my opinions and beliefs or why i choose to behave the way i do. and just because i behave the way i do, doesn't mean that you're any more privileged than me, or should be able to take away my god given rights. the rights that all of us were equally born with. i'm sure you would feel the same if you were in my position. but unfortunately for you, i don't think you're even qualified to be in this position. what i mean is, you don't have the experience and you don't have the aptitude. which would make my situation grim..."

Judge: "DRUG'IM UP...!"

i can do it all by myself...!

OMG. the scene in fight club where edward nortin beats himself up in front of his boss... hahaha! i'm doing that if cops arrest me...! that would be so epic-ly awesome. "PLEASE OFFICER...! DON'T ARREST ME! *punches himself in the face and throws himself on the ground* I TOLD YA, I'M INNOCENT...!" i could get out of every situation with that one. people would just think i'm crazy. which is awesome. they wouldn't fuck with me then. haha

What're they gonna do...? beat me even more...? "QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP... OR I'LL HELP YOU DO IT...!" hmm

Predicted results:

Judge: "I'm ordering a restraining order for this young man to stay 50 yards away from... uh, himself, at all times."

OR

Judge: "I'm ordering a restraining order for the law (pronounced, 'THE LAAW!') to stay 50 yards away from this innocent young man at all times. Any violations will result in mandibles being chopped off..."

it's about the idea. a man willing to sacrifice his status as a sane man, moreover, flush it down the toilet or jettison it off the side of the road like a bag of weed that's too much trouble to trouble with. and it's all about proving a point.

awesome. i likey

i'm going to allow my enemies to live. because they deserve to live the rest of their lives in ignorance. even if they got everything they wanted, they still aren't free.

if you can't make a difference then you're already dead. i've already been cataloged and categorized into the label that makes my future. the label that is me. i want to surprise someone. people, really. you want to see a hero...? there is no meaning in anything unless we look for it... why did God not want Adam to have knowledge...?

flashback:
"John, I'm telling you, if you keep going at this rate you'll go crazy...! Try to relax, stop looking for answers to everything..."

but, but i found out. i found what i was looking for, even if i didn't know what i was looking for. at first. what are you afraid of...? every question has a motive... every action has a motive. invite me to your tea party to 'get to know me'. invite me to the pentagon to... well... i'm on another level fuckers. you know where i'm headed. if there is meaning in life, if we can discern between right and wrong, then God, open the gates of heaven, because I will do the right thing before i die. why wouldn't i...?

when you leave the matrix, nothing is real. we're trapped in this human body. there is something beyond physicality,  beyond our skins, beyond us...

i know why Jesus cried.

i know why Jesus cried. it was because they would never understand. they wouldn't live long enough to. Jesus felt sorrow in his heart because the people were so ignorant. they were so ignorant that they blocked themselves, in that life, from knowing Truth and becoming one with the Master Idea.

it's like watching someone commit suicide. except it's hundreds, thousands, millions of people. and they don't understand. Jesus didn't cry for his pain. He cried for theirs. But they are so ignorant. So ignorant, they will never understand, or even comprehend that they have pain. That is the real loss. They can never be healed, unless they understand.

Gay...? Fucking give me a break

who cares if you're gay or not...? i've been shot with a fucking shot gun point blank in the chest. you think i'd live through that to be afraid of the CIA spreading rumors about me being gay...? HAHAHA. CIA, you'll have to do better than that. that kind of superficial shit doesn't change me. i've been through the most embarrassing shit that will make a person kill himself. but i'm still here. you think that phazes me...? even if YOU, and YOU know who YOU is, even if YOU posted the most heinous information about me, I wouldn't be scared, ya know why...? because i don't care. it's superficial. there are worse things in life than having people hate you or even fear you for no reason. fear is a reflection of what people fear in themselves. so if people hate you, then, i don't know what to say. maybe there's a part of them that is in you, or a part of you in them. the real thing is, what the fuck difference does it make...? if you don't care about these rumors, then it doesn't make a difference... NO ONE CAN THREATEN YOU WHEN YOU HAVE NO FEAR. of course we should all do the RIGHT thing. all i'm saying is, learn to not give a shit what other people think, and you will conquer all.