i'm having problems. you see, i don't want to do this. somehow we have to make this a game. somehow

before i killed myself, the first time, i could do anything with ease, really, i had the motivation to do it. i was a genius, i still am. the difference is, after a life/death experience and the lack of social interaction and love i needed to survive, a part of me has become (almost zapped...?) numb? numb might be the word. how do i describe this... it is like not having the nutrients you need for so long that part of you becomes dead. or having one of  your main central nerve chords suffocated or choked and part of your brain becomes dead.

the part that was dead after i almost died was the 'motivation' part. i often wonder what will motivate me to do anything. i don't find fervor in challenging myself to be the 'best' anymore. who am i doing it for...? i can still think quite clearly and at times i knew that i still had this 'intuition' or 'psychic ability' that i had before. wait, no wait, that was before i almost died. the christmas after... o wait. that's right. that was the christmas after i came out of the hospital that i realized i still had it. interesting.

so evidently, i still have it. the other day i thought about suicide, which is natural for anybody really, there is nothing wrong with thinking about it, thoughts are natural, anyway i feel like i am being pressured into this corner. i don't like it. i have predicted, this is just a prediction, that my chances of committing suicide are much higher after i get a degree than they were before it. why? the 'degree' is a falsehood. it is FAKE. it has absolutely no value whatsoever than to categorize people and limit what they can do. something is wrong. i shouldn't feel like i want to commit suicide just because i'm forcing myself to get a degree. something is wrong. something is wrong. something is wrong.

there's nothing wrong with me.