I've got a Plan

I've got a plan.

and the whole wide world inside of my head
just went crazy one day and said

"Oh My GOD! He's got a PLAN!" 

He's got a plan!

He's got a plan!

He's got a plan!

Broadway musical tap dancing ensues.

Judge Kimmel: So, you had over $3,000 in damages of the property that you leased. What do you have to say for this...?

luckily, I was an expert in the craft of, uh, arguing. I decided that I would pull out my best excuse: the "Squirrels are Evil" excuse. Surely the judge would see it my way after that...

John: Well, Squirrels ARE evil.

Judge Kimmel: And...

John: And. and, they're EVIL...! Just look at them, going around stuffing their FAT. FUGLY. FACES. With nuts to say the least. Thinking they're gonna get away with murder. All while planning the eventual take over of earth! They're evil judge, that's all I have to say...

Musicians and Artists are Weird

i'm sorry but i'm just gonna be real. musicians and artists are weird. i'm weird too. but musicians and artists are weird, to ME. they do all sorts of weird stuff. like, PERFORM in front of an audience. and hang out with their hipster friends. most of them are liberal. on top of that, they're just so frigkin, DEEP. why do they have to be so, DEEP, all the time? yes, musicians and artists are weird. i will never get them.

A reporter goes to a woman's house in southern Florida.

Wade the Reporter: Julia Krills is a 99 year old retiree who likes playing scrabble and, get this, she looks after her pet flies. (looks at Julia) Julia, could you tell us more about your pet flies...?

Julia: (Julia has a frail, old-woman-person voice) well, I've had them for over.. (hesitation) over thirty years. and... and flies are really amazing fast little creatures that like to eat...

(room turns black, Julia's voice turns into a DEMON VOICE)

..they like to eat the carcuses of fresh meat! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(you hear a man screaming in the background, the fireplace is golden green. after about 6 seconds the screaming stops. the fireplace goes back to normal and the lights turn back on. Julia is still in her seat and Wade is also back in his seat. but he looks pale.)

Wade: (dribble goes down his lip onto his sport coat. He's almost like a zombie) Thank you, Julia. Brian and Serina, (clears his throat) back to you...

TBC

i chuckled when i read that last one. chuckled. like the lion from the wizard of oz. look that up on youtube. is BE funny. Anyways this is Obidiah Gideon with Jewish Horror Theater. Once again, have a safe night and happy Friday!

(roll credits. Jewish horror music parading "Friday" by Rebecca Black)

"Friday, Friday, oy ve it's Friday! Gotto go to the bank and look at my savings, savings.

Then, suddenly i got a craving for that kosher meat, that zombie kosher meat...

oy ve, It's Friday!..." (something like that)

end.

Hand Lover...!

Oprah: We're here today on the Oprah show discussing one man's love for his hand, and what kind of rejection he has gotten within his own community...

Bob on Narrated TV synapse: I would go out with my hand, just me and my hand, holding hands, and people in cars would drive by and say the nastiest things...

man in car: "Hand Lover...!"

(car screeches away)

...

TBC

They say you should marry your best friend

Priest: "Do you Bob Leonard Smith, take your Hand, as your lawfully wedded... uh, HAND!"

Man in crowd: (whispering) "he loves his hand, not that there's anything wrong with that"...